Male Bonding
by Scorpio71
Summary: After Anya breaks her engagement to Xander, Spike drugs and kidnaps him in an effort to cheer him up. Chaos ensues.


TITLE: Male Bonding

AUTHOR: Scorpio

EMAIL: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

PAIRING: Anya/Xander implied

RATING: T+

WARNING: language, character deaths

DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon own Xander, Spike & crew. Not me.

SUMMARY: When Anya breaks off her engagement to Xander, Spike kidnaps him for a little male bonding…to cheer him up.

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MALE BONDING 

By Scorpio

BRRIIIINNG

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Bloody Hell, Slayer. One would _think_ that you could come up with _something_ that had a little more personality than _that_ sorry excuse for a prerecorded message. I don't know, something that mentions; blood, demon guts, or decapitated heads... or _something_. I'm very disappointed, luv.

Any road, I'm just calling you so that you don't tear apart Sunnyrot looking for the puppy-boy. Although, if you fancy tearing apart the Hellmouth for _another_ reason, be my bloody guest. Worthless town that it is...

Don't worry about your barmy mascot though, I drugged him and kidnapped him so that I could cheer him up. That ex-demon bint really messed with his head and his heart when she tossed the engagement ring he bought her back in his face. I've been there myself, so I know how the bleedin' idiot feels.

I'm just taking him out and about so that we can loosen up, relax and maybe get into a spot of violence. Cheers _me_ right up, should work on droopy-pants too. If you need us, we'll be found at...

**beeeep-click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Slayer! Your great bloody machine Cut! Me! Off! That was _rude_, luv... Just for that, I'm not telling you where I've taken the glorified bricklayer for his vacation. No, we're just gonna enjoy a few nights, bird-free, for some good old fashioned male-bonding.

Oh, and tell Anya that if she discovers that there's a whole chunk of change missing from the store's cash-register, not to worry. I know right where it is."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(This is Tara and Willow's place. We're not here, but if you think at us real hard, we'll know it and call you right back.)_

"Wills? You there, Wills? Tara? Girls! If you're there, then _please_ pick up! It's me, Xander! Come on, you _have_ to be there, I need you. I think Spike has lost what little mind he had. I don't know, maybe the chip has leaked battery acid into his brain or something. But he's been babbling on about male-bondage. Wills, I don't _do_ male-bondage!

Look, you've _got_ to come get me, we're at some cheep-ass motel along the side of Route... Gah!!!! Spike!!!!!! I thought you were a-asleep!"

**::bang - clank - thud::**

"Hello? Red? This is Spike. Don't mind the chocolate addict. I think the sleeping pills that I slipped him wore off and now he's a bit confused. Everything's good. Like puppies and candy... like Christmas and all that rot.

Gotta go now, pets. Ta."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Um... Buffy? Look, uh... oh, it's Angel, but I guess you know that already, huh? Um... well, I don't mean to bother you or anything, it's just that Spike and Harris showed up tonight going on and on about how you had sent them on some top-secret dangerous mission to help stop some super-bad demon that was trying to take over. They said that the only thing that would stop this demon was... uh, er... hairgel.

_My_ hairgel.

I wouldn't give them any since they both smelled like the inside of a beer vat and they were both all wobbly and giggling. Well, when Spike wasn't growling and calling me a bloody wanker, at least. Plus, Harris told Cordelia that Spike had kidnapped him and forced him to drink a case of beer with him so that they could try and understand the inner workings of the female mind. Or something. Neither of us could really understand either of them, so it's anyone's guess as to what they were trying to tell us.

Anyway, after I told them that I would _not_ hand over my hairgel, they left. Then I got to thinking... um, did you _really_ need hairgel to stop a demon? If you _do_, then... well, I'll... I'll go out and _buy_ you some. What particular brand did you need?"

**beeeep - click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(This is Tara and Willow's place. We're not here, but if you think at us real hard, we'll know it and call you right back.)_

"Hey Wills! This is me and I'm just calling to say that I'm having a _::hic::_ blast in the big demony city!"

"Strange as angels. Dancing in the deepest oceans. Twisting in the water. You're just like a dream."

"Ssspike! Sssshhhh! Talking here.

Sorry Wills. We went to this _::hic::_ demon karaoke bar and this green guy with bright red eyes pinched me on the ass and called me a cutie. I think I've _::hic::_ been traumatized by the experience, but I'm not sure. It's pretty drunk out tonight, so we'll have to _::hic::_ wait for a sober front to roll in off of the coast to be able to tell for sure."

"Daylight licked me into shape. I must have been asleep for days and moving lips to breathe her name."

"You'll _never_ guess that _::hic::_ Spike went up on stage and sang! Um... okay, you don't have to guess, since I just sort of _::hic::_ told you, but you should have seen it. I was _so_ sure that he was just going to prove what as asswipe he is to the whole room, but he surprised me _::hic::_ by not embarrassing himself in public."

"I opened up my eyes and found myself alone. Alone above a raging sea. That stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me."

"The bleached menace is _still_ singing. Some old _::hic::_ song or something. Said it makes him think of Dru. I was impressed actually, _::hic::_ he's really pretty good at that. Singing, I mean. Nice voice. _::hic::_ Cool accent.

Wills? Why do the demons I hang out with always have more _::hic::_ coolness than me? Is it like some sort of cosmic joke, or _::hic::_ something? 'Cause, um... not laughing here."

"You. Soft and only. You. Lost and lonely. You."

"Look, I'm gonna have _::hic::_ to go. The street is spinning and it's also beginning to tilt to the left a bit. If we don't find somewhere that's _::hic::_ inside before we pass out, I'm gonna wake up to find my ride has turned to dust in the wind. Hey! _::hic::_ Spike shoulda sang _that_ song, _::hic::_ ya think?"

"Just like heaven."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Magic Box. I'm sorry, we are closed. Our normal business hours are from 9:00am to 8:30pm. Press 1 if you wish to place an order. Press 2 if you have a billing question. Press 3 for all other...)_

**beeeep**

_(I'm sorry; no one is available to take your call at this time. Please leave your name, phone number and the name of the item you are interested in and a store employee will contact you during our regular business hours.)_

"Guys! Ahn! Wills! Buffy! Anyone, pick _up_... oh god _please_ pick up! Hurryhurryhurry! ... okay, guess you're not in, but if you _are_, what's a tall thinnish demon with glowy green eyes and sort of marbleized skin with greenish veins that has two tails? And uh... how do Spike and I kill _it_, before it kills _us_?

Wills! Ahn! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhh-shiiiiiit!"

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Bloody Hell Slayer. You're gonna _have_ to teach the moron how and _when_ to duck. How that blighter survived on the Hellmouth for so bloody long, I'll never know. Your precious white-knight tried to break a Clonthor Demon's fist with his bleedin' ribs. Stupid boy.

Any road, I taped his chest up nice and tight. He's turned a splendid rainbow of colors already. Got lovely skin, the puppy-boy does. Bruises up really pretty-like. Made me want to drain him dry... bloody chip.

Told him that he should stick with the construction work though. He may be dumber than your average minion, but he's filled out nicely with all that lifting and straining. That ex-demon bint is a bleedin' fool to toss him aside like she did.

Well, I'm gonna ring off now. I'm hungry."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(This is Tara and Willow's place. We're not here, but if you think at us real hard, we'll know it and call you right back.)_

"Wills? I think Spike's finally lost it. I mean that. The chip has officially fried his gray matter. I'm talking, he's _way_ beyond the craziest crazy undead person I've ever met and I've met more than my fair share of the talking dead, ya know?

Why is Spike crazy, you ask? I'm glad you asked, Wills. He _kissed_ me! Spike! On my lips! With _his_ lips! Spike lips! Gah!

I know what you're thinking. Xander Harris, demon magnate extraordinaire. But it's not my fault. Honest!

Spike took me out to another club. This one was a human one, thank god for small favors. Apparently, this band performed old Sex Pistol's tunes and Spike wanted to go to their show. Fine, right?

Um... on a side note, have you ever seen a Mosh Pit? One word. Avoidance. Avoidance is definitely the key to dealing with a Mosh Pit successfully. Especially with cracked ribs.

But that's beside the point. I guess all those stupid loud screeching songs got to Spike more than he thought they would, cause he yanked me _out_ of the Mosh Pit of Doom and I was about to thank him for that when he _kissed_ me. On the _mouth_.

I have no idea what to do. How to handle this. I mean... don't tell anyone, but I think I liked it. A little. A _very_ little. Wills... um... what should I..."

**beeeep - click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(This is Tara and Willow's place. We're not here, but if you think at us real hard, we'll know it and call you right back.)_

"Hey Willow. It's Oz. I... I don't want to bother you and Tara or anything. That's not why I called.

I just thought that I should give you a heads up. I... ah... saw Xander and some vampire at a club the other night. A uh... _guy_ vampire. With blonde hair. They were pushed up into a darkened corner and um... well, it looked like they were enjoying a pretty intense make-out session. I didn't stake the vampire because I thought you might want to try a... uh... spell or something first.

Anyway, call me if you want him staked. I'll hunt them down for you and do it myself. Bye."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Slayer. Just wanted to let you in on our plan. You see, Xander was getting all worried about you and I proposed a bloody brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.

So, we're gonna be catching the next flight out across the pond so's we can track down Rupert and beat some bloody sense into his pointy little head until he sees reason. Then we're gonna drag his sorry arse _back_ to the States and make him get back to bloody work as your Watcher.

Barmy git. Shouldn't have run off like that. Don't worry, luv, me and droopy-pants will fix this mess."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Buffy? It's me, Angel. Look, we don't have a lot of time. Cordelia had another vision. Spike and Harris were in it and they are in danger. Drusilla is looking for them and she has some other type of creature with her. I'm not sure what yet, we're still researching that.

Has my childe returned to Sunnydale yet? Did Harris?

Call me as soon as you can. Okay?"

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(This is Tara and Willow's place. We're not here, but if you think at us real hard, we'll know it and call you right back.)_

"Hey Wills. It's me, Xan. Just wanted to let you know that Spike and I made it safely to England. Haven't found the G-man yet, but that's okay. We found Drusilla instead.

You'll never guess what's been up with her, lately. Apparently, she dumped that Chaos Demon and is now hooked up with a G'thronian Dark Farie. They are like vamps in that they have two faces. One that's human looking and one that is demon looking. They are also strong in the dark arts.

So, Dru's new love-bunny cast this wicked cool spell on Spike. You'll never guess, but it removed his chip from his skull. I gotta admit. I was scared and angry about the whole thing. Right up until Spike killed me. I sorta got over the whole chip-ectomy once I woke up and had a good meal. Nothing like a tummy full of warm human blood to make a demon see the bright side of unlife, ya know?

Don't worry, Wills. I was wrong all those days ago when I called you up all panicked. I _like_ this male-bondage stuff. Well, gotta go now. People to eat and Sires to fuck. You understand."

**click**

...O...

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Magic Box. I'm sorry, we are closed. Our normal business hours are from 9:00am to 8:30pm. Press 1 if you will to place an order. Press 2 if you have a billing question. Press 3 for all other...)_

**beeeep**

_(I'm sorry, no one is available to take your call at this time. Please leave your name, phone number and the name of the item you are interested in and a store employee will contact you during our regular business hours.)_

"Anya? Hello, it's Rupert Giles here. I was just calling to let you know that I was able to set up a delivery of Mongolian Meditation Medallions to the Magic Box. You should be receiving them in about two weeks. If there is any..."

**bing-bong**

"Oh, bloody hell. Someone's at the door. Hold... hold on while I go see who it is. Bloody bad timing, I tell you."

"..."

"Anya. I... I have to go now. I'll contact you tomorrow and we'll talk in... in person, so to speak. It's... It's Xander and Spike, of all people. Why didn't anyone _tell_ me that they were coming to England for a... a visit.

Any road. I'll talk to you... Ahhh! What the bloody hell!! Xander! Stop it... oh my god! You're a _vampire_!..."

**::bang - thump - crash::**

"Hello, pet. Spike here. Sorry, but Rupert can't talk to you right now. My boy is currently explaining to old Rupe about how he and the other's felt about being abandoned by their father-figure. Although... my dark childe has a _new_ daddy, now don't he?"

**::bang - crunch - slam::**

"Well, gotta go now. Gonna take Xan here on a tour of the world. Not sure how long it will take to see all of the sights, but don't worry. We'll pop back into Sunnyhell _someday_. Let my boy visit his old stomping ground. Kill his family and friends. You know, the usual.

Ta, pet."

...O...

_**

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**__**five years later**_

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**beeeep**

_(You have reached the Summers' residence. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave a name and number, someone will get back to you shortly.)_

"Bloody _Hell_ Slayer. You _still_ have that bleedin' stupid recording on your machine? I should kill you just for that alone."

**::thud - thump::**

"Beautiful, luv... just beautiful. She's never looked better."

"Oi, Slayer! You should see what my Xander just did to Red. You'd be so proud... well, okay, maybe _you_ wouldn't be proud, but I sure as bloody hell am. He does lovely work, that boy does. Lovely work.

But don't worry or feel left out, pet. You're next on our hit list."

**click**


End file.
